By Olyn Ozbick
1) Take yourself as an author very seriously. To do this, you will have to quit all other work. It’s important to get in touch with the transcendence of your particular creative genius.
You can’t do that standing behind a till, budgeting or planning conferences. Get real about your creativity – embrace your true being. Your manager has never understood your creative abilities, face it, she never will.
2) Now that you have no job, revel in that exciting leap you just took. Celebrate your new literary freedom by sleeping in. Creative genius needs time – particularly morning time.
3) Don’t bother getting dressed. PJ’s are comfy – that’s why you wear them to bed. Why would you approach your creative endeavours in anything but the most freeing of attire?
4) Drink. No not milk. It could take a little time to get up to speed. Start slowly with a little Bailey’s in your morning coffee, wine at lunch and wine also at dinner. Once you get the hang of it you can start fortifying your wine drinking with a splash of scotch on ice. Soon you will be a true author, quaffing only whiskey morning noon and night. Well done!
5) If you’ve been taking writing classes, now’s the time to drop them. Don’t call the instructor to explain, you are too serious about your writing to waste time with petty scheduling issues, just stop showing up. If you have writer friends and colleagues, drop them too. You don’t need their annoying input, they are completely wrong about your work – always have been!
6) Stay in. Now that you are drinking day and night in your PJ’s and have no jobs, friends or commitments, you are a true reclusive writer, well done! Keep it up!
7) Hone impatience. Real writers aren’t patient, writers are driven. Get that first draft of your novel out the door as soon as possible. Don’t wait until it’s finished, it’s brilliant – you know it, and the agent will know it as soon as it hits her in-box. If it needs a little work, she’ll do it.
8) If the agent doesn’t get back to you immediately, don’t worry, she’s probably trying to tie down your three-book deal first.
Don’t be afraid to call her and introduce yourself, she’ll be delighted, after all, you are a brilliant writer and her career will skyrocket once she signs you, she’s probably a bit intimidated to approach you first.
9) Now’s the time to leave the house. Celebrate with dinner at an expensive restaurant. Don’t worry about the cost, put it on your visa! Soon your advance will arrive and later you will be rolling in royalty cheques.
